Then and Now

The News then: "There's been a storm in New York City. Forty are confirmed dead."

The News now: "This is a terrible story. Please be prepared, some of these pictures are difficult to see. You may want your children to leave the room. There's been a terrible storm in New York City...yes, that's right, I said in New York City. Forty people are dead, more are sure to die. Awful. Just awful."

Language then: "He and I went to the store.

Language now: "Me and him went to the store.

Watching TV then: "Now Beaver, you know your mother and I never fight."

Watching TV now: "I want a bleeping divorce, and I don't give a bleep about the bleeping kids or the bleeping house or your bleeping money, so bleep you!"

Driving then: Get in the car, put the kids in the back, drive away.

Driving now: Get in the car, secure the kids' car seats, insert the kids, double check security features, turn cartoons on back seat TV, click the seatbelts, lock the windows, lock the doors, insert the blue tooth, insert the CD, plug in the GPS, drive away.

Dealing with kids then: "Get your butt up and go to school, and when you finish school, get your butt out and find a job."

Dealing with kids now: "Oh honey, I know it's so hard and I know you're tired, but you really need to get out of bed and go to school, but if you really really feel like you can't get up it's okay if you take a mental health day. And don't worry about a job. Daddy and I will support you with our unconditional love and of course our unconditional money until you find a job you really really like and that you really really deserve."

Leaving the house then: Leave.

Leaving the house now: Check the back door lock, check the side door lock, check the timers, check the windows, check the motion detectors, set the alarm, triple lock the door, leave.

Communication then: "I need to make a long distance call. Can you ring me when you're off the party line?"

Communication now: "OMG! WTF? U R 2 Cool!!

Love then: See someone, wink, date, feel a tingle, fall in love.

Love now: Write and post a personal profile online (with sexiest possible photo), sift through potential love interest profiles, send an email to one, check email responses and select good-looking match with closest interests to your own, set a time to meet, set a place to meet, alert all friends and family as to where and when and who, meet, discuss similarities and differences, discuss feelings that "resonate," be sure long-term goals are on "the same page," meet again, articulate "dream vacation," articulate "dream job," articulate "dream home location," begin dating, share views on staying fit, share views on children, review financial statements and portfolios, clarify prenuptial requirements, discuss "dream retirement," and (maybe) fall in love.

Cleaning then: Mop the floor, dust the bureau, wash the dishes.

Cleaning now: Disinfect doorknobs, disinfect countertop, disinfect floor, disinfect toilet, disinfect sink, disinfect laundry, disinfect dishes, and when finished disinfect hands.

Weddings then: Go to justice of the peace, get a keg of beer, buy a cake at the grocery store, invite some friends to the house, go to Niagara Falls.

Weddings now: Hire wedding planner, select weekend, host family golf tournament on Friday afternoon, host rehearsal dinner for 200 of friends in fine restaurant on Friday evening, host wedding and reception for 500 friends in state-of-the-art venue on Saturday, host brunch in fine restaurant for 50 friends on Sunday morning, spend $75,000 on food, open bar, flowers, dresses, shoes, hair, make-up, jewelry, tuxes, gifts, band, rings, limos, cake, and go on month-long honeymoon trip to Europe.

Dealing with dogs then: They lived outside, they ate table scraps.

Dealing with dogs now: They sleep in beds, they eat heart-healthy shiny-coat-causing teeth-cleaning natural homemade whole foods in fun shapes and sizes...while wearing a sweater.

Politics then: A couple of people throw their hats into the ring, tell us what they'll do for the country, we vote and elect one.

Politics now: A dozen people spend millions of dollars berating opponets, shout each other down in televised debates, and run hundreds of ads telling us why the other socialist/communist/fascist guy is going to bring the country to the brink of ruin, all the while mugging for cameras and inspiring pundits to collect millions of dollars in advertising while shouting each other down and causing voters to collapse in apathy by the time an election rolls around.

Then had some problems for certain. But it's no wonder we're all so worn out in the Now.